THINGS SCARIER THAN BEARS

Hiking on the Pacific Crest Trail was, by far, the best experience of my life. But, I was pissed off about 7% of the time. Here’s a list of some of those scenarios….

 

  • Blisters. Big ones. (Are they supposed to be green?)
  • Disappearing tread. (Wait… Where did the trail go?! When did it disappear? CRAP! Now What? OH! There it is… under the poison ivy!)
  • Unmarked mystery trail junctions. (That one is just a toilet trail, right?)
  • Backtracking for any reason. (Forgetting your trekking poles at your last break spot. Choosing the wrong path at the unmarked mystery trail junction.)
  • Persistent bears that check to see if you’ve surrendered your food every 30 minutes throughout the night. (Seriously, take a hint bud! I’m not giving up my food! Go buy your own oatmeal!)
  • Mosquitos that bite through clothing. (Discovered they can’t bite through rain gear. But it gets extremely hot. Choose your poison.)
  • Being greeting by a thru-hiker with “Welcome to 5 miles of hell.” instead of the usual enthusiastic “Hello!”. (You know you’re not going to have a super fun time.)
  • Misjudging how much water you have. (Bonus points if it’s during a waterless stretch.)
  • Unburied human feces. (Complete with toilet paper. Bonus points if it’s in a campsite. Extra bonus points if a small rock or stick was placed on top.)
  • False summits. (There is no better way to squash your happy mood and victory dance than the realization the summit is most definitely NOT where you are.)
  • Occupied campsites. (That was MINE! I’ve been aiming for that all day! I believe that’s called “dibs”)
  • Gear failures. (You knew it was going to happen. You prepared for it. But you still get irrationally pissed off.)
  • Burn areas. (Big fat feeling of sad.)
  • Miles of exposed ridge walking and you see a storm coming in. (I guess I’ll just die now.)
  • Mean plants.
  • (Hovering close to your eyes waiting for the perfect moment to dive bomb into your moist eyes to lay their maggot babies.)
  • Water sources marked as “unreliable”. (Can’t count on anything in this world, can you?)
  • Animal screeching. (Pretty much spanks any other reason you can’t sleep.)
  • Day hiker questions. (Grin and bear it. They sometimes give you candy or fruit.)
  • That one slime covered rock discovered while creek crossing. (I wanted to rinse off in ice cold glacier water anyways.)
  • The sneaky 500 foot climb you didn’t know was there right before you arrive at camp.
  • Obsessively thinking about anything. (“What am I doing with my life?”, relationshits, and whatever body part hurts the most were especially aggressive.)
  • Being mistaken for a homeless person in a trail town. (Bonus points if you’re accused of being a drug addicted homeless person. Extra bonus points if you’re told to leave a McDonald’s outdoor patio. ~Seriously… who gets kicked out of a McDonald’s?!~)
  • Knowing you’re missing spectacular views because it’s foggy or raining. (Super sad eyes.)
  • Your last day on trail.